December 22. 2004 22:35

Worn out...

Aah! How can I be this stupid? I got so into lying down and sleeping when the holiday started that I totally forgot that yesterday was the year's last Kobosan market at Toji and today was the premiere of the 4th Inu-yasha movie! Waah! Now I'll have to wait until Friday when there's the next cheap day to go to movies! And I lost a great chance to get some more obi and I have to go to Tenjinsan market on the 25th instead. Damn. :( And I haven't checked if there are any other interesting events, either... I flipped through the Visitor's Guide but I didn't write the most interesting events down in my calendar... There are some really interesting archery events I don't want to miss, but I haven't been feeling like finding out when they are are how to get there.

Right now I'm very tired, both physically and mentally. The thing I've been fearing happened: my boyfriend freaked out about how much time I'm spending with Dion. I've been waiting for this for a while, actually... I know he takes things like these badly, even though I'd have no intention of cheating on him or leaving him or anything like that. I'm not out for Dion. I don't want a relationship with him. Really. But even though I try to convince Ravie about that, he fears for the worst. The problem is that he doesn't have enough self confidence and that I'm an airhead about things like these. In that way we're a horrible couple... I feel very bad for him, but what can I do, I can't change the way I think. I won't. I'd die.

Sigh, I'd like to explain this more coherently, but I'm too worn out to write about this anymore. Like this this is a very one-sided explanation of my feelings, but really, I'm not up to spending another hours writing this out. Ravie woke me up early this morning to talk to him over the Internet and I spent several hours trying to convince him that he has nothing to worry about. The good thing about being this far apart is that I can keep my cool, I don't get too irritated by him complaining to my face and start shouting things I don't really want to say. Or maybe I want to say them, but not like that... I like to say them in a calmer tone. And some things I don't want to say. Mostly I just want to kinda "be there for him", explain that there's nothing going on. I promised him not to do anything troublesome here.

After we "parted" and I spent a while reading and sleeping, annoyance hit me again. I hate it how I have to take the blame for his weak self confidence. Damn, can't he just trust that he's important to me!? Feh. I don't want to be tied down like that when I'm not up to anything that's wrong. Grrr. Avril Lavigne, Matrix and Linkin Park music on. Ah, Avril Lavigne is so relaxing at times like these... Her lyrics have the exact right attitude. Freak Out was an excellent song to start with. Sometimes I just want to say "fuck it" to everything and walk my own path. I they're trying to kill me inside, I won't just stay and wait.

We talked a bit more with Ravie this night and now I'm just worn out. Sigh. I kinda don't want to care. I do, but I'm tired of it. All I've been thinking about today is that thing and I just want to anymore. Maybe this Avril music will still cheer me up... Yeah. Sigh.

I was supposed to write about what's going on, but I'm just too tired to do that now. Too tired to write anything, in fact... Siiigh, I'll try to do that tomorrow...