December 19. 2004 14:55

Dangerous talk

I'm in a rather uncharasteristic mood today. I want to go out and vamp a man. I kinda wish I wasn't so dignified, so shy, and already committed to someone, so I could go and follow this desire ^_^ The problem is that I don't want sex or anything, I just want to make someone find me attractive and make out O_o This is a dangerous matter to be talking about in a public diary and I hope I won't get into trouble for this (or mainly, I hope people won't start thinking I'm weird because of this...), but since I've promised to be as honest to myself as I can with this diary, however touchy the subject might be, I'm gonna talk about this anyway. And besides, I'm in a very bold mood today, so I'm less concerned about things like that than normally ^_^ In fact, I wrote down my thoughts about this matter earlier on, but wasn't feeling comfortable enough with putting it online. Now's the time for it to go up, so I'm copy-pasteing it here then.

For a person who has as little interest in sex as me, I'm surprisingly fascinated by the thought of "vamping" men. That's not the right word, really, it's more like... Every now and then I feel the need to have men fall for me. Only enough that I can feel like an attractive person. I don't want them to really have feelings for me, that's too troublesome, to tell the truth ^_^;; But I want to be able to imagine that they could fall for me. I guess it's some kind of need to be attractive. I've never talked about this with other women, but I kinda have the feeling (or I at least hope) that this might be a common thing about women, or people in general... Something to do with the basic survival instincts. What makes me wonder is how this really applies to me, because as I said, I'm never out for sex (or "reproduction"), just for cuddling ^_^

A friend once pointed out how I flirted with a bartender when I asked for a straw and I found it etremely funny then, and still do. I had no intention of flirting, in fact I was not aware that it could be taken as doing so. I would say it's just my character to ask for a straw with tilting my head a little and moving my hand in the air. I don't mean to make it a deal, that's just the way I move and I can't help it... But ever since I've been wondering. It made me think of the way we women might unconciously use sex appeal to control men. It's really interesting...

And today I realized that I can drown this "need to attract men" into reading or watching a romance story, or romantic daydreaming. I'm such a sucker for romance, and mostly the kind you can never find outside stories. It's a shame that there aren't any people like that in the real world... But anyway, I've never thought about it that way, I mean, I've never thought I could just use daydreaming to get rid of any need to actually physically get close to men ^_^ It's kind of a relief, actually, to realize that, because I feel bad for Ravie for having these needs. I don't want him to feel like I don't love him or like he's "not enough" to be the man of my life. It'd be great if I could just use him to fill these needs, but unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. You see, these needs are specifically about vamping new men, making men who have never known or noticed me feel attracted to me. (It's part of the survival instincts thing, I think, mixing new genes to the pool...) And since I already know Ravie's attracted to me, vamping him gives no satisfaction.

It's so difficult to be a human being and have all these feelings and needs... I need a world where I can every now and then do something really radical without there being any consequences O_o This is (probably) what one night stands are about. I want to have a one night cuddling stand... But that'd be wrong for Ravie and besides, what kind of a man would want to have a one night cuddling stand? Only those in romantic stories, I'm sure... Every girl's dream men, that's why romantic stories are such a great getaway :P

And then for the most dangerous part: being here on the other side of the world, meeting people I will probably never see again after I leave and being deprived of physical contact with anyone, all these needs get even stronger. If I get a feeling like this in Finland, it's easier to suffocate it thinking about how much trouble following it would be. If I followed it here, there'd probably be less trouble because of the temporaryness of everything, so the temptation to just do it is worse... It's a relief that I'm so shy and don't believe myself to be attractive. I could never just go and vamp a guy on the street... I'd be freaking nervous if I even tried that. If I'd vamp a guy out of the blue, it'd have to be someone I know at least on surface... If I knew nothing about the guy, I'd be afraid he'd do something bad to me. (Same with guys that approach me on the street... I'm afraid of them, even if they might be just normal, nice guys who just want to be friendly.) But if a guy who fills this requirement would make moves on me now, I don't know what I'd do... To some extent, I'm unreliable, and I can't help it. I'm afraid the need to be kissed would get over me and I'd let it go. Never beyond cuddling, but that alone is, considering other people's feelings, bad enough.

So there's the confession of today. Good thing I said it aloud, made me more nervous and less prone to walking out of that door and going downtown to check guys :P Why is this society so damn frustrating? I need a world where I can cuddle with men without them or anyone thinking it means something :P I need my dose of endorfin without people thinking I'm in love or even sexually interested! Ah, but that'll never happen. People are too stuck on thinking that if two people get physically close, they must be getting involved with more than that. I'm certain that's the reason girls love to hold hands or cling to each other, with that they can get the precious physical closeness without any sexual or romantic feeling to it. Or, that's at least why I love doing it. Poor guys can't do that or they look faggy ;P And with a guy and a girl, there's always a sexual tension to it. I want to change that! I want to be able to do that without the sexual tension if I so choose! I want to revolutionize the world!! It's good to have dreams, right? ^_^