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One of the guys, but then again not

2011-06-15 21:39:55
Lonely
Tags: friends, happiness, life, memories, relationships, sexuality, work

The guys at work went to have a paintball match after work today, and I thought "Wow! I'd love to try paintball, I wish I could go along!" That led me to think about how I've started to feel lonely lately.

Ever since I started working in our company people have jokingly called me "one of the guys at the web department", as I'm the only woman amongst us. That's actually a very fitting hit at what I am: I feel more at home with the guys in my team than most of the women in our company, but I don't seem to be able to really become one of them. There's too much woman in me to be accepted in a fully male group, but there's too little for me to fit in with the girls.

When I was at daycare as a kid, my sister used to play with the third girl of our age. I, instead, ran around the forests with her big brother. I don't know if that was a symptom or a cause for my inability to find a place in the male-female social pattern, but it's one of the first times I remember liking the company of a boy more than that of girls.

I remember how in high school people wondered if the boy who hangs out in a girl group was gay. Some label girls who act all male as butch lesbians. Unfortunately, I can't even label myself as an "outcast" like that, since I'm quite clearly a heterosexual woman. I love a lot of very feminine things, like sappy romantic stories, pretty dresses, high heels and painting my nails, and I've yet to feel romantic about a woman. Watching a couple of people going through sex reassignment, I wonder, what is it like for them? Do they, or will they, fit in with the guys? How do regular lesbians feel? Do they fit in with "regular people", or do they have problems with it, or have they just given up and only hang out with their own kind?

Anyway, back to the track. I know I'm comfortable being with people who are fuzzy about gender and sexuality, but this was about making friends in a non-fuzzy environment. After all, I spend 8 hours a day at work in such an environment, so it's a pretty big part of my life.

I often have problems making friends with women, because they aren't into the same things I am. I like good looking clothes but I'm not into fashion or shopping, I don't follow trends or know what celebrities do. I don't even watch tv and I use little make-up. I'm not picky about food (though I can appreciate a good recipe) and I've grown a bit too old to always get excited about barhopping, but don't have children to talk about. Instead I like group sports and I have no problems getting my hands dirty or doing physical or technical work, on which most women seem to give up. Gardening is the best common subject I've found so far, and sometimes interior design or fashion work as small talk topics. Crafts are ok as well, but a bit too often people just complain about how they can't or don't have time to make something.

Men, on the other hand, probably underestimate my interest in the things they talk about, or overestimate my sensitivity to their dirty talking or sexist jokes. For the record, dirty talk is fun, and a good joke makes me laugh even if it's sexist. It's true that I don't understand beer or manly amounts of meat (at least when it's taken seriously), don't like football or know things about cars, and can't in general associate myself with many of the stereotypes of the male gender, but I think I'm more ok with the stereotypic man than the stereotypic woman. Anyway, men usually dismiss me because I have too many female qualities for their comfort, so I don't even get into finding out the difficulties in associating with men. It seems really difficult for a lone girl to be taken seriously in a group of men, or to not appear as hitting on someone.

The biggest problem in making friends is that I don't like small talk. In general I'm more comfortable with the directness of male conversation, as opposed to the empty chit-chat or behind-the-back comments of most women. Small talk makes me wary. It depends on my mood, sometimes I'm quite at ease filling the quiet moments, but often I find small talk either completely uninteresting or unnecessary "bragging" about what's been going on in the person's life. Both when I'm talking and when I'm listening. Though as soon as I find a subject I'm sure both I and my opponent like to talk about, I have no trouble chatting.

Another thing that makes it difficult for me to create and maintain good friendships is that I'm really bad at keeping in touch with individuals. I suppose I'm a group person, I like to hang in a crowd. When it comes to meeting with specific people, for example after they've moved out of the group we used to be in, I'm pretty lousy at it. (I've cooled many precious friendships like that.) Going for a coffee or something like that requires that dreaded small talk, so I never ask anyone because I'll be uncomfortable unless I'm already good enough friends with the person :) I suppose I find myself too boring to keep anyone's interest up through a full coffee cup conversation, unless they've already proven otherwise.

Interestingly, I do find my life interesting enough to talk about it in the internet, but I suppose it's because people can stop reading as soon as they get bored. (Too late for you now?) I don't want to force my chatter on anyone, but if you're into reading my stuff I don't mind sharing. It is, after all, the forementioned "proving otherwise".

So, what am I getting at? I don't know, maybe nothing. I guess I'm wondering whether I should try harder to be friends with the guys, in hope that it'll pay off better than the not-as-difficult slogging towards being friends with the girls. But there's nothing I dislike more than forced friendships, so I suppose I'll find my group when the time is right. There are people at work that I like, most of them probably more than they know. Maybe it'll work out by itself. In the meantime, at least I'm now sitting at a window from which I can gaze out every time I want a broader perspective at work. Small comforts are the best :)

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